Why is it, that at 6 years old, I was SO sure of who I was and what I was here to do, but now I'm 30 nnnnn I'm slightly terrified with a side of "this is all you've ever wanted to do...so... you better fucking do it." I remember watching a Christmas episode of Shining Time Station (with Ringo Starr as the train conductor...the BEST!) and everyone was fighting about some awful Thomas The Train Engine dilemma, ANYWAYS this little girl walks up and just starts singing, and everyone stops. I watched this scene 'n said, "YEP! That's what I'm here for!" Then again at my baptism at 8 years old, I was receiving my blessing after being dunked, and just calmly looked at everyone and thought, "I cannot WAIT to show y'all how close I am to God!!!!" Just ya know, nothing egotistical, just genuinely excited about life!
Sittin in my precious little apartment in downtown Wilmington about 7 years ago to the day, I was journaling and wrote, "You're the woman you knew you were when you were 6 years old...and that scares the shit out of you." Know why? Cause no one gives you permission to be that woman.
I promise you.
I've looked. A lot.
Ya either do it. Or ya don't.
That in itself makes me uncomfortable as all get out. Yes, you can basically just say you're a Life Coach, or just take a weekend course on any healing modality or spiritual communication, and go do it. This has NEVER worked with me.
Not only have I attended healing retreats, classes, and certifications for years, but I was invited to teach almost as soon as I started. Still...I doubt myself on the daily that I know jack shit that would be counted as "correct." (More and more I realize when it comes to spirituality and philosophy, there's not so much a right or wrong, but multiple routes of opportunity which could lead to joy, or the lack there of.)
The problem is, when you're looking for permission and support from a narcissist, especially when they know you're not buying the bullshit... the permission never comes. In fact ya get the opposite. With the wonderful rush of people searching for truth and healing, has also come the job openings for just as many people who see this as the perfect opportunity to feed into the vulnerability.
And it friggin blows.
That goes without say, but it's out there y'all. Ya don't just pass along your credit card information to everyone that's wearing a suit 'n tie right? So we should be just as protective with our spirit and mind.
I've been "made an example of" multiple times, sometimes in public, but always very dramatically, even leaving before cops were called on one occasion. This is how it usually is with someone who's not aaaaactually doing things for the benefit or empowerment of others, but because they want you to see them as an all powerful and enlightened person. If you try to blow their cover, they will straight up throw a temper tantrum like a 4 year old 9 times outta 10. (Try it. Speak up for yourself 'n see how many people that regard themselves as enlightened masters show their true colors for a split second before they can hide it. It could save you thousands just this year!) It's pretty awful to witness, especially when its from someone you REALLY REALLY wanted to be able to rely on for heartfelt answers and guidance!
This sets up people, like myself, who have been in search of their path, to not only be manipulated psychologically, but have the foundation of faith to their own spirit twisted and tarnished. It kinda stings y'all. I've had a hard time for years thinking, "How...can someone do that. Encourage people to uproot their entire lives, leave their loved ones, and doubt their own divine rights, simply so they feel in power and control. It's nauseating to think about."
I'm gonna be pretty vulgar at times, cuss a lot, or discuss things that don't sound very holy, because of this very problem I've seen too much of. Ironically it's incredibly easy to lose who you truly are, when trying to find yourself. As trendy as yoga, tarot cards, reiki, and basically all new age inspired practices are right now, I've witnessed waaaaay too many people, including myself once again, get put through the psychic abuse washing machine.
Listen to your gut. FOR THE LOVE listen! You know every time. (You do. Yes you do, don't even play. You intuitive as hell. You know you know whats up!)
I know I'm not for everyone! (That aint no doubt...) so by all means, if this is not ringin a bell for you, please, go freshen your coffee 'n go about your day, thanks for stopping by!
I want to be as upfront and open as possible about myself and my lifestyle, so I can maybe help shed some light on another angle of what it means to follow your path and find your own spiritual truth. Which may or may not look like what is usually portrayed. I want to be the woman that I wish I could've found 10 years ago, to put me at ease and teach me to love not just the darkest parts of myself, but in fact, the BEST parts of myself without asking permission or keeping my head down. (I'm terrified of success. In a big way.) That's what most people are afraid for us to find, because when we step into our best selves, we don't really need anyone else do we? And change can be scary, I get that, but truly loving someone means loving them with no fear of the future or need to control. It means we ALL benefit from taking care of ourselves, because we then have endless abundance to give.
And that's all I have to say about that. For today haha
"Keep those around who will look your darkest demons in the eye with understanding and compassion, for they are familiar with such places and already know the responsibility and joy of victory is yours alone."
-Dr. Rebecca Garifo