Being naked can feel pretty vulnerable, 'n I have a particular knack for falling when I'm naked which...is like...the most humbling humanizing thing that can happen to a person I truly believe.
I was setting up a couch fort/love nest for Joe and I years ago when there was maaaaybe still a sliver of mystery left betwixt us. ('n I mean SLIVER, I'd already farted on him while clung to him like a naked koala the first night he stayed over...#karmasutragoddess.) I was wearin nothin but a lil green dress and feelin' all sortsa sassy as I crept like a jungle cat to tuck the sheets across the couch outaman saying, "I better untuck this area so one of us doesn't forget there's no cushion and fa-" I fell. 'N when I say fell I mean I nose dived to the floor with my legs in the air and my dress at my throat...
I went down like a sacka pale and slightly stubbled potatoes. (I'd reeeally like to make a I-dahoe joke right now, but I won't cause that's just TOO much.)
I will say again, being naked can feel pretty vulnerable, especially for those of us who are clumsy as hell with tarnished track records of grace and agility.
Even so, I'd still rather have sex with the lights on 7 nights a week after eating 3 helpings of chili, as opposed to exposing my inner most fears of abandonment and unworthiness. BUT...I'm not good at hiding things, especially from my husband. It's gonna come out at one point or another, (not my hoo ha...I mean yes often it is my hoo ha but this isn't the Dr. Ruth hour) and most often than not it's done in a less than graceful way. Usually the fifth day of my period with lots of red faced crying and "I just...I just...I don't know!" I like to sulk for a good two hours 'n let that shit marinate before we can discuss my emotions ya know what I mean? Think about a show he didn't wanna watch 2 years ago that he made me miss out on... life coulda been so different.
If female hormones were a cooking show, it'd be like:
-Bring all past life experiences to a boil and let simmer for about 26 days.
-Stir occasionally and add salt to taste.
-On day 28 bring reduction to a rapid boil and cover with tight fitting lid.
-Once desired pressure is built from boil, allow husband to lift the lid with his face. Severe burns may occur.
Rummaging through trauma is a mess in itself, but doing it in front of someone else up close 'n personal can be uhhh a lil terrifying and unsettling. Loving ourselves, warts 'n all, is one thing to do alone, but to truly truly truly love ourselves, I believe we have to allow ourselves to receive love just as much. Even when we're nose diving off a couch, #freebeaver, literally and figuratively. It really is jumping off a cliff and just praying to God someone catches you. The more we can love the dark corners of our own spirit, the more we can do the same for others, and they for us. Ya know when you have those conversations with other women, "Do you get those random hairs on your chin makin' you feel like a Roald Dahl kinda female lead..." "Oh ma gah girl YES!" n there's that bonding moment of YES GIRL!!!
We gonna be ok...
I've always been independent and caught myself so to speak, but that only took me half way. I'm learning that allowing my husband, my friends, and my family, to prove my worst fears wrong over and over, is the scariest, but most rewarding thing I could ever do for myself.
Make the jump, and watch who not only catches you, but rejoices in your flight. :)
Thank you for catching me! :)
"Let out your demons with no restrain or shame, so they may call attention to another's and meet with relief and familiarity. Something hidden and hurt will turn into an embrace of comfort and joy. That is where true joy grows; in this dance of transformation and gratitude."
-Dr. Rebecca Garifo