I've been journaling for at least the last 13 years? Maybe a lil more, starting off sporadically, but becoming a serious life long ritual. I truly love writing. I think I've got 10-12 completely filled journals that I flip through to find my starred and quoted sections I put around all of my channeled messages and jokes. (Spirit got jokes.) It's the one constant everywhere I've lived. Alone, with roommates, with my husband, without knowing a single soul in a new town; my journals are always with me.
For the first time this morning I woke up and thought, "What do I wanna write about today...?" I usually have 5,000 things coming through and I'm trying to section them into ONE topic rather than 12 pages of rambling. (I'm a rambler, it's just who I am.) 'N ya know what I realized? To keep the flow goin', I have to keep this about me and for my pure enjoyment. There's something that happens when we do even the simplest things for our own happiness without recognition from a single soul but our own; we build a bond within our own spirit. The part of us that feels separate becomes threaded a little closer with each quiet unspoken deed we do for ourselves simply for the experience of enjoyment.
I'm day by day getting more accepting of how sensitive I am to everything in the media and society in general. Sometimes it becomes real evident how much I do not get it, 'n I'm ok with that. I've seriously wondered what is wrong with me and why I feel dishonesty and false personas to be so obvious in many situations, when everyone else is singing praises and giving a standing ovation. (Wait... are yall watchin' what I'm watching? Really? Ok I'm lost.)
Except I'm not lost. I know I'm not. In fact that's why I've never minded moving or traveling or just being alone, because I like the company honestly. I've more often than not felt safest on my own, unbothered by whirl winds of emotions and daily tragedies.
On my way to Truckee, CA in 2thousaaand 8? Just a baby y'all!
Now that I am actually moving forward to share what I've wanted to with others for years and years, I'm realizing how much I have kept things to myself so I could build my own foundation without allowing someone else to critique the blue prints. Just writing this makes tears well up. Part of me is terrified, but more of me is like YAAAASSS!!!
I feel that happiness, fulfillment, and pure joy are seeds planted in each one of us that have the capability to grow to unimaginable heights, but in order for them to grow strong roots, they need to be kept away from impatient and eager eyes and simply loved and nurtured through the process. I see so many ads and classes and workshops that I myself have taught and attended to basically dig the joy outta ya. Just 5 days and you will beam with pure love and light. I'm here to tell ya, that's just not how it works y'all. I wish it did. In fact this was a reason I walked away from teaching years ago, but in turn found my truth and passion. Every single class and retreat, although the youngest by 10+ years, I ended up being the wise one. The story teller. The one who had everyone crying with laughter after visiting their darkest wounds.
While packing for a class in Delaware years ago, I continuously said to Joe "I'm gonna end up teaching this time. They're sayin' it's time." There was a man there in his mid 60's who was a shamanic practitioner and immediately pulled me aside upon meeting me 'n said, "It's right here..." putting his hand at my nose, "'n when you break through there...wow...it's gonna be something' else"
"what... break through what!?"
Days later when he was on the table receiving a demonstration from the instructor, I continuously heard a call to go sing to him. "Me? What the hell am I gonna do for you. You're a sixty some year old shaman 'n I'm just trying to get my life together."
The session was brought to a close and the class began filing out quietly one by one 'n I thought maaaaybe I could sneak past, but no such luck. Face down in the cradle his hand popped up and found mine as I scooted past 'n I thought "Good game good game..."
I knelt down and began singing to him, allowing the old woman's voice to come out of me that shows up every time. I always have tears streaming down my face when this happens, it's just an overwhelming feeling I can't really describe; but it's me.
The next day around 6am, we were all waking up and shuffling around in the dark to get our tea and breakfast before beginning another day of class when the instructor called me over and whispered, "I have to go to the doctors, I think I have a cracked rib. You're gonna teach. They said you're ready." And of course... on this day we were all to be in complete silence. So I basically walked into the classroom and looked at all these grown ass adults like
Sharing my whole self and not hiding behind a particular practice, protocol, or mentor day by day has sometimes been scary, but more often than not exhilarating. I've had to culminate my own soil for quite some time to get to a point where I could be deeply rooted in myself and share without fear and shame of disapproval.
No matter how many times someone else can tell us something about us, we have to learn it for ourselves. We have to know it for ourselves, to have it rooted in our own soul, or it can simply be scattered by the next hard wind that hits us. Privacy is a gift we give to our own growing joy, to leave it buried to take root and flourish protected from the harsh elements. To dig it up and examine it or put it on display continuously will only damage and prolong it's growth.
Hold your joy, your accomplishments, and your truth close to your heart until you're ready to share them. Sometimes it will be something so precious, it will stay yours alone to enjoy for quite some time. Delight in your divine secrets of creation.
"Learn to decipher what is to share and what is to keep for your own soul, and your jewels will blossom and flourish before your very own eyes. Unspoiled and true to their maker."
-Dr. Rebecca Garifo