I ask myself this question almost everyday. If I hadn't been raised in the environment I had. If I hadn't had the parents I had, the religion, the education, the experiences, would I still feel things the way I do now, or would I be different?
I've been told, and even scolded on occasion, " You're just not grounding yourself!" "You're not shielding yourself!" "You've got to stop taking on other people's emotions!" And so I've tried that. Over...and over...and over. By the power of Greyskull I will not constantly tune into other people's emotions! ...but it persists. For years and years and years I've thought, whoops still doin it. Whoops there it is again. Oh damnit it snuck past me again. Waking up from a dead sleep feeling someone else's emotions!
What am I doing wrong?!
Nothing. I'm doing nothing wrong y'all. I can finally say that, 'n if you've found yourself in the same situation, I hope you can come to this realization as well! The thing is, there's differences in people being sensitive, and for some, grounding and shielding and what not works beautifully. For some of us, it just leaves us going, "Ok but... I can't spend my all day everyday taking salt baths, envisioning a bubble of light, and meditating. I kinda just wanna enjoy living without dissecting every moment." When it's begun not just making me tired and emotional, but physically sick, it's crunch time. That's enough of that. I mean come on now...
Here's the truth of what I've found out about myself:
This is the only way I've ever known how to interact with the world around me. I realize now that projection and gaslighting were used so frequently and since I can remember in our home, that I've never questioned taking on someone else's emotions, self-judgement, or even physical illness as my own. I'm beginning to trust that I'm not being dramatic or overly sensitive, but infact, reading true motives and what's not being discussed. It's not always bad, but it's not always good of course. (30 years goin strong 'n never been wrong... I'm just sayin...) I had to learn from a young age to see situations for what they really were despite what was being said, and how to navigate other's emotions safely without them being discussed. When it's not just practiced, but learned out of survival, it's like breathing...ya don't even pay attention to it most the time but it's always happening. Is this sounding familiar? This is a totally different ball game from learning to sense energies or tune into someone's higher self, and I think it's important to acknowledge the difference, because it's a wonderful wonderful gift, but it can be absolutely paralyzing if mixed with toxic situations.
In being born into a family with both parents havin very strong narcissistic personalities, there was no foundation of truth and compassion. Every memory was debatable, and every emotion could be manipulated for someone's gain. So in hindsight, it was like growing up knowing it was far safer to feel what was happening around me rather than trust what I saw and heard, because those could both be changed at any minute; but my feelings were my own. I believe this must happen to most children raised in a narcissistic environment, as there is absolutely no such thing as an inarguable truth with someone in this state. It's quite impressive just how deep denial can run...'n by that I mean there's no end...so please don't exhaust yourself sugga.
For those of you out there that may have had the same struggle, how second nature are your sensitivities? They may be more so than you think. Being intuitive and a good listener can be learned just like any other skill, but when it runs that deep, it's a lil different gettin a handle on it so you can keep healthy boundaries. If we don't know where we end and others begin, how do we even know where to draw the line ya know what I mean? But we gonna find it aint we? Believe THAT.
" The truth is like a cork that will never cease bobbing upward. It is sometimes only through exhaustion and surrender that you will finally let it go and allow it to rise to the surface. "
-Dr. Rebecca Garifo