I really wish I could walk into a room of women and not feel like an imposter.
I often feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I don't even know how to really actually apply makeup. My going out makeup just means applying another layer of mascara. I mean I'm gettin there but... one of my best friends asked during a visit,
"Becca. Are you still buyin your makeup from Food Lion!?"
"NO! I am not! I'm gettin good makeup now...from Harris Teeter."
She has the best laugh ever so it was pretty good.
Her 'n I hit it off instantly (13 years ago!?) when one of my male roommates said, "She doesn't get along with girls either! You guys are gonna love eachother!!"
And we did. We weren't trying to out do one another to get anyone's attention...we just wanted to laugh 'n drink cheap gallons of wine mostly.
We built a long standing relationship sitting side by side in our moomoo's every morning chainsmoking and drinking coffee like two old bitties.
Us women who've been burned by "mean girls" one too many times, tend to find one another somehow. Maybe it's like a safe zone thing we put out haha
I've seriously been cautious of most women my whole life...and in turn have found myself targeted by many women.
I've had just as many women as men, if not more, make derrogatory comments (always in front of men of course...) start touching me and commenting on my butt upon meeting me, and a handful of times looked right at my husband saying, "I'm gonna make out with your wife." or "I'm gonna borrow your wife for the night." Upon which he immediately picks me up and relocates me as far from this woman as possible haha.
WHY. Just...why girl? I know whatcha doin. The whole dominating, I'm the top bitch in this situation deal... I understand that there's women that interact like that all the time 'n it's no big thang. Well it's a thang for me. I don't know you. Now I don't particularly like you. I was lookin to your for sistherhood 'n now I'm worried youre gonna say somethin really mean or start commenting on my outfit 'n waistline like a TMZ reporter.
I beg of you... please don't grope me, comment on my body 'n then #metoo. No ma'am. I cannot with that mess. You better turn that hashtag right around. I don't like having to be mean to people...but on these occassions I've felt like, "Welp here we go..."
But honestly it just makes me feel more and more like, "what am I missing here?"
"what's amatta with me!? I'm a fun girl!" "why can't you just befriend me 'n not try to over power me within 5 seconds of us meeting?"
I just feel completely outta the loop at times. I watch other women gravitate toward one another and easily strike up conversation as if their entire lives are in common 'n meanwhile I'm like, "I feel like I can trust no one in this room... except the one over there eatin bar nuts 'n puttin Tied To The Whipping Post on the jukebox... they look safe."
I grew up kinda bein a tomboy I guess, but bein from Dare County, that wasn't real unusual. Most girls my age fished and shot guns before they were in Middle School. (which I still think is fan freakin tastic.)
Rather than making me feel empowered and tough though, that in combination with being sexualized way too young and the mormon doctrine, I really felt ashamed for being a girl all together. Like it was never safe to actually BE a woman. More than anything I really just wanted to wear highheels 'n have big boobs 'n long flowing hair to put over my shoulder 'n bat my lashes at men. Huey Lewis mostly...he was my firt crush. That chiseled jaw line I just... mmm.... (I watched our Huey Lewis and the News VHS religiously after school...sippin my Spaghetti 0's like, "I'll be ya new drug Huey, to hell with the D.A.R.E. program."
So here's the thing y'all...
I never stopped waiting to be granted permission to finally BE a REAL woman. For someone to say, "It's ok to be desirable and powerful! It's safe now! You can come out! No one's gonna make fun of you or say you're trying too hard!"
I actually read a passage months ago, and a woman with a similar background to mine wrote, "I just never felt like I had REAL boobs...I got a boob job and STILL never felt like I had REAL boobs."
WHAT!? I'm not the only one!?!?!? I say this exact phrase to my husband almost everytime he's holdin onto my chest. "I wish I had REAL boobs." He doesn't seem to mind, but I mind. Especially buying certain dresses or bikinis...I think, "If I had boobs... this would look so much better..."
How many other women feel this way? How many of us already feel like an outcast before we even get to the party? How many of us seriously feel like we're steppin into the line of fire when we walk into a room of fellow females? How many of us are healing ourselves but know it's not gonna happen overnight so we may have serious imposter syndrome at times?
The truth is we've all been through hell at some point, and we're all finding where we feel safe. How we feel safe. Where we feel powerful, and how we feel powerful. Things that we may have thought would make us feel empowered or strong in our femininity, have proven to drain us and actually enslave us to someone else's idea of feminine power. This shit takes time, 'n for me it's taken a lot of communication and realization where I've stepped on someone's toes, or not spoken up when they've stepped on mine.
I'm realizing how judgemental I've been at times because I haven't felt safe in myself and thought, "Does she really need to have her tits out like that?" Cause ya know what...you better believe if I woke up with doube D's tomorow I would walk around paradin em like, "Look at the bounty the Lord hath blessed me with on this DAY! Praise him!" Those tables'd turn real quick.
The conversations I have had with some of my dearest female and male friends recently have been outstanding and healing on so many levels. It took my husbands comfort in his masculinity, to make me really feel empowered in my femininity, and here I always thought I had to learn to be a woman from other women!
Surprisingly enough, and not so surprisingly enough, we're all figurin it out on all different levels. Expressing ourselves as we've always wanted to, slowly granting ourselves permission to stop being afraid, in whatever way that looks like for each of us. By doing so we provide one another safe ground to do the same.
"Although masculine and feminine may be considered to be on opposite ends of the spectrum, there is more gray area than there is black and white is there not? Please be gentle with one another as you grant yourselves permission to stand in your immense strength and possibility without questioning eachother's divine power. You will find these aspects are not opposing, but infact complimenting and vital in all of creation."
with love and joy-
Dr. Rebecca Garifo