Learning to live on the other side of trauma can be REAL discombobulating.
I mean absolutely freeing, elating, and healing...but let's be honest, it can also be very disorienting at times.
No one really warns you about good things in life making you dissociate right? Abundance and success that you can't even handle, so you have to tone it down by zoning out into a sad song, or nightmarish scenario. An automatic safety setting in your system to keep you from overheating. Like cutting the sweetness of a decadent dessert with something salty. Your mind notices you're in uncharted territory and begs for something farmiliar to hold onto, somewhere it recognizes, somewhere it knows you belong.
This is when a lot of us that feel anxiety might have that moment of, "Oh my gosh...is this what calm feels like? Is this what life is like for other people!? I uh...I don't know what to do with all this peace...shouldn't I be preparing for something..." Suddenly our ready and willing sympathetic system says, "So glad you asked! Here's a list!"
Boom. Back into anxiety, comfy, cozy, palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on our sweater already. (... I saw a chance 'n I took it.)
Rather than only dissociating during traumatic events, we can also begin doing it when things are going well. We can experience such a toxic environment for years that discomfort or danger becomes the familiar safe zone for our system. Like...Crocodile Dundee first visiting the big city right? Where as we "city folk" may be terrified of venomous snakes, angry jungle cats or man eating crocs, that's Mic's day to day. Hailing a cab or using a toilet though, may be a serious trigger for him.
It takes time. It takes patience. It takes a lot of self compassion to begin sitting comfortably in your success and smooth sailing when it feels like you're living someone else's life. I've had wonderful peaceful days where everything's gone beautifully and I've actually worried I was being delusional or finally losing my shit once 'n for all to be at such peace. In fact this is the underlying reason I crave coffee, because it keeps me in the comfortable state of constant underlying panic. On edge, a little shakey, and slightly nauseous...the comfort zone for many of us with past trauma.
We all know that there will always be downfalls and mishaps, but sometimes learning not to have the downfalls in focus at all times, is one of the toughest things we'll have to do in our healing. To teach ourselves that not all of healing has to be tough, but may actually involve many of our best days. Days we didn't know were possible, because pain isn't always gain. We're learning to live in peace and harmony, on the other side of our trauma. It's new 'n sometimes scary, but it's vital.
"You wouldn't expect a mother to recreate the pain of her contractions everyday following a birth right? There's no honor to be earned or debts to be paid for you to revel in a beautiful life. It is yours to enjoy. Pains and sorrows are part of life, but remember they are just that, part of it. Let them serve their purpose and learn to sit fully in what they've birthed for you, both sides of the journey are necessary for your full expansion."
with love and joy-
Dr. Rebecca Garifo