Joe and I laid on our backs side by side, looking up at the night sky and listening to the water splash against the pylons. It's so dark out there in the jungle, the stars become hypnotizing. We could see the red glow from mars, and counted shooting stars one by one squeezing eachother's hand in excitement. We'd both grabbed one Belizian coin to toss into the bay, to make a wish to our Mayan ancestors, but as I laid there smelling the warm air and holding onto his hand, I watched the stars twinkling and couldn't think of anything else to wish for. I just started to cry.
Seven years before, when he and I had just first started dating, I'd sat alone on that same dock in that same spot. I'd snuck outside, telling the other's at the casita I was gonna go to a little evening yoga, but really I just wanted to go sit with God for a while. I remember how clear it was that night, and that I looked up in the sky, sitting cross legged on my mat, and started singing my favorite Hawaiian prayer. I was in search of direction, of purpose, and especially comfort. I was in love with someone who was changing my life, and my life had always been so hard when it came to receiving love and having a safe place to land. I prayed that I could hold onto him while fulfilling my life's purpose, that I wouldn't have to do it alone. I sang, praying as hard as I could to not fuck it up. To know how to let love flow through me, and to live in peace and joy.
There wasn't a cloud in the sky that night seven years ago, but I remember after I stopped singing, two little rain drops fell on my feet, as if to say, "Yes sweetpea, we're listening."
Seven years later, laying in that same spot, holding onto the hand I'd prayed I wouldn't have to let go of, I just became so overwhelmed with joy and amazement. This gratitude and awe washed over me staring up at the sky. After one of the hardest twelve months of my entire life, here I was, in total peace and joy, holding hands with someone who's never flinched at the slightest diversion on our path's. We walk together, being one another's constant through every turn and every shift.
I got everything I'd asked for, and then some.
It didn't mean I didn't have to make some of the hardest decisions I've ever made, and face some of my darkest nights, but my guardians never let go of my hand either, not once. Every day assuring me, "I know it may look catastrophic, but feel into your heart, there is peace. Trust that, that is your solid ground."
When we ask for the outcomes we desire, we rarely know what it will take to get there. Often if we did, we'd imediately revoke our request haha.
Find a hand to hold.
Let your spirit be still for a minute, and listen for what brings peace into your heart. Sometimes it won't make sense, we don't wanna see it, it may look like a demolition crew, but do not be afraid to go a new direction. Ironically, it's the new and brave paths we take, that often turn out to be the ones that finally take us back home to ourselves.
"Achieving dreams may often mean giving up old demands. Let go. We've got you."
with love and joy-
Dr. Rebecca Garifo