I get a lil nervous sometimes when I think about what it is I wanna share, opinions I'm ready to put a voice behind. I know they may get me a lot of unfollows or complaints or have some people goin', "And just who the hell is this bish?"
I've spent the last thirty years hearing, "You're so LOUD." "You don't know what you're talkin about." "Nobody else feels that way." "You're the only one that thinks that.""You're doing it all wrong."
I've often answered many things meant to stump me not only correctly, but with ease and thorough understanding. I've then been met with an angry scoff and a, "Well, yes...sort of, but..."as they repeat to me exactly what I just said and I blink at them like, "Yeah...right. That's what I said."
In reality, they just needed to rephrase the answer and make sure I know that they're correct and I'm here to listen and recognize their superiority, passive agressively telling me to have a seat. I usually remember once again that the questions they asked arent so much to be answered, but to open the floor for them to illustrate their knowingness.
Do I sound a lil salty? Cause I mean, I am. I'm sufficiently salty on this subject haha And it's lookin' like I may remain as such for a while yall...
It's taken me a LONG time to speak up, and now that the flood gates are open...I have a LOT to say. Some people aren't real happy about it. Some people won't be real happy about it when MANY of us decide we've been quiet long enough...and that's just fine. That's just the way it's gonna have to be for a while haha
It's a common statement I've heard for years among many spiritual leaders and gurus that there will come a time when the older teachers will need to step down and allow new generations to bring in their wisdom. That many of the spirits being born into the world now are in fact extremely old and naturally hold knowledge from generations before, ready to easily articulate joy and compassion to the masses.
But saying it and accepting it are two different things.
A friend helped coaxe me out of my hermit shell last week and invited me to a yoga class. Bless her. I needed that. I can honestly say, it's the first time in a yoga class that I've actually tried to go into an inverted position. I dread looking like a know it all or a show-off, because I can already be a natural brown noser wanting every teacher and instructor to know theyre doing a great job! (sometimes I nauseate myself yall.) So as far as the trying goes...mostly I just...don't. A lot. I hang back.
I've always had an internal struggle of wanting to win...but never at the expense of someone else. I don't want anyone else to feel like they're losing. Do you have that too? I think a lof of us as Empaths do... We're naturally gifted and talented at many things...maybe cause we're old ass EFF haha But we also feel the dissapointment in others when somethings not happening for them, so we may pump our own breaks of success and let ourselves down because we don't wanna be the very thing that we think causes someone else to feel sad.
Does that make sense?
I sabotaged myself into blowing a motocrycle safety course years ago, which I'd been doing just fine with, and all because a woman in the class was in hysterics, she just knew she was gonna fail. I repeated over and over again to her, "You're not gonna fail alone. I promise. You won't fail alone."
We were in full leather, on running bikes, in the July heat those full two days, and I was in the thick of treating my Grave's Disease diagnosis and trying not to faint on the asphalt. I should've been really proud of myself, but I wasn't. I just kept telling myself it couldnt be that simple. I aced the writtent test and then completely, did beautifully on the entire riding course, and then disregarded the drawn white lines for my re-entry at the end, and didn't even try to get up to speed on the straight way section.
The instructor sat me down and sighed, "I hate to even tell you this but last year you would've passed, but they just changed the point system...and you didn't get quite enough up to speed when you rode past us...and then what happened at the end!? Did you just not see the re-entry markers? You did so great on everything else! I'm so sorry."
All I could hear in my head was me telling that woman the entire weekend, "You won't fail alone, don't be upset!! I promise! We gonna fail this together girl!"
I don't think we really recover or heal from anything in 1,2,3 steps. I think it's a constant shedding and then realizing how much it has bled into every situation in our lives in different forms.
I've dumbed myself down to be liked and make everyone comfortable numerous times.
I've revoked my own knowledge and wisdom to simply allow someone else to feel superior over and over. To save myself from getting yucky attention or haters so to speak.
And then I inevitably become salty. Angry. Stiffled and exhausted by my own stubborness.
In not wanting to sound like a bitch, or bring attention to myself, I've often just told myself to have a seat. Be quiet. Don't interrupt. Make others feel good about themselves by making myself feel bad. SO healthy yall... The cycle of abuse.
So here's the thing.
Many of us that are learning to use our voice now, are gonna feel like we're bein egotistical as all get out at times. A lotta times... This is new for us.
We're gonna feel like, "But who am I to say this?"
We're unfortunately at times gonna be met with, "Well, yes BUT..." and corrected when in FACT...we spoke correctly, we just werent supposed to.
Our job, is to keep an eye on our own hearts. To know where the words are coming from, and where our own frustration and anger is coming from and how we can heal that. To learn love and compassion for ourselves so we can articulate our wisdom, injustice, knowledge, and compassion with grace and tact. Never having to yell over anyone or climb overtop people, but shining bright enough within ourselves that we'll be seen by the ones who need us. Kinda reframing what "winning" actually means right?
It's NOT always gonna come out like we wish it would. God knows that...
I went back and rerecorded a segment on the podcast on sexual energy, boundaries, and abuse thinking, "eesh...did that come out like I meant it to?" and I STILL think about things I said years ago and cringe sometimes like, "oh man I hope that didn't come out wrong..."
What can ya do y'all...
Sometimes we just gotta say, "Welp, I did my best with where I am and I'm just gonna keep tryin'."
We're gonna have hurt feelings, misunderstood intentions and miscommunications. That's part of life. If we keep ourselves silent for fear of offending or hurting anyone's feelings forever, we'll go to the grave with every ounce of love and understanding we came here to share.
We're gonna be told we're incorrect. We're mistaken. We're speaking out of turn.
And that may ACTUALLY be a good thing. We're bringing in new information and new ideas that a lot of people won't recognize so they'll name it "incorrect."
For being peace keepers most our life, I think many of us are realizing we might actually be here to shake things up.
"You'll often have to speak out of turn simply because so many that have put themselves in roles of leadership fear giving up their position, they misunderstand true power. There's no struggle needed. You're not here to make them comfortable. Kick up your heels and have fun."
All my love and joy!