Lez be honest. This is probably the fifth blog post I've written on this topic. (Do you have to say FIFth out loud when you type it? Me too. Still feels wrong...) I forget how long ago (not so long ago to most legitimate bloggers, but its long to me...) I started writing blog posts.
I know I did one saying your mechanic at Meineke has the same connection to God as your Astrologer so don't get it twisted... things like that. It's obviously been quite a constant hot button in my life. (I got a lotta buttons...yall know this.)
But lets talk about this y'all. This is a big thing when it comes to trusting our knowing, and how gaslighting and manipulation is used more than some people are comfortable realizing.
I'll go first-
So here's my unhealthy thing I'm untangling right now-
I rarely if ever discuss indepth or show images of my collection of tarot cards, my altar, private practices, crystals etc... And I'm gonna be straight up, it's myyyy business. It's myyyy precious practice haha A big part of me is like, "Why does anyone need to know? That's not what makes me who I am, it's just what I do to continue learning. What difference does it make? I don't feel the need to post pictures of my meals or daily caloric intake anymore than I do my crystals and cards I pulled..." I wanna practice my practice for me.
Here she is yall. Just sharing this picture is making me realize how much sharing glimpses of my own practice makes me feel attention seeking and yuckgh. Pretty much just like when someone says, "You have a nice body you should show it off!" I immediately put on a cardigan.
So let's be real. Like REAL real...
It's also because I don't wanna have to weed through more crap than I already have. It's because I don't wanna get messages and reachouts from people with healthy lifestyle pages and rotten hearts, seeking attention and praise with prayer hands infront of their amethyst pyramid saying we're the same person on the same mission...
(I'm cringing at myself right now. I know. I got them anger issues yall. I got em bad.)
It's because I'm tired of hearing the term spiritual used synonymously with things like compassion, integrity, truth, and heart led wisdom... just like hearing someone described as Christian in order to make a blanket statement of their goodness and righteousness.
It's really about being taken advantage of too many times when someone's seen something in me that they want for themselves, so I've learned to hide instead and appear to be empty pocketed so to speak.
But is this reeeeeeally the right way to handle it though? By omitting aspects of my life from sight all together? Shaking my head in detest of oversharing and staged photos? Maybe, maybe not. Mostly well, probably not. I'll say it.
First off, I am mistaken- I have been saying that no where in the definition of the word spiritual does it say, "righteous" or "of good intent" BUT contrary to my uninformed belief, in the full definition it does say it's synonymous with holy, divine, and churchly, so I'll give em that.
Here's my thang y'all... I am not going about this the right way. At all. Hiding parts of myself and my life to try and lessen the chances I'll be misunderstood or grouped with people and movements I am not about. Organizations, people and trends that are capitalizing off things that are extremely precious and sacred to others.
Sometimes my heart just gets real heavy knowing that it's becoming excruciatingly easier for people to appear good hearted, kind, safe and trustworthy by simply using the term Spiritual, by wearing the mask of a saint or a healer . In the presence of the term itself, many of us have let go of all intuitive red flags and boundaries assuming this person associated with it would never bother to fake and lie about so much just in order to trick everyone.
Ohhh but they do... Just like people take on the task of running entire political offices just for the sake of winning.
And it STILL happens to me yall. I still get caught up by people saying, "I'm just like you!" and I think, "HEY FRIEND!" but my gut says, "hollup..."
I don't wanna live my life from a state of paranoia and fear but, healing takes time.
And not mistaking our innate knowing for rude judgement and paranoia takes time.
I still have to check myself and feel where my alerts are coming from, but my reaction time IS gettin' faster and faster, so we got that goin' for us!
I've still got major burns not only from the mormon religion, but 10+ years of seeing so much of what's actually happening in a lot of the new age/spiritual communities.
It's... nauseating and just...it ain't cool. Bullies and jealous people don't dissapear once we get outta grade school. They just find new environments and personas to wear.
With the amount of media these days, our intuitions and bullshit readers are gettin' a REAL run for their money.
The mother hen in me wants to jump in front of the bus and save the crowd of glazed eyes shouting, "THEY'RE USING YOU! LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!! LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR HEART KNOWS NOT WHAT THEY'RE DISTRACTING YOU WITH!"
But then I have to realize, I'm shouting too...'n that ain't gonna help nobody. Just like me downplaying and hiding myself isn't gonna help anyone either. In fact it will only isolate me from more people I can connect and learn with.
This post is not what I thought it was gonna be... cause as I've been writing it, I can feel my spirit family's hands on my shoulders givin me a hug like, "Let it go girl...It ain't your business. Be in joy. THAT'S your job. Let people trust their senses by letting them trust them."
I've thought that stripping myself down to the bare bones, bein' as plain jane as possible in a lot of ways, and running in the opposite direction would also help others find a safe space in me without weeding through the crap, to easily see I don't want any competition, I'm not a threat, that I don't wanna outshine anyone or appear holier than thou... but that's not really helpin' me shine is it? And people are gonna think about us what they want aaaanyway so... (shoulder shrug)
So thank you for letting me work this out aloud today, which is basically all I ever do so just...thank you in GENERAL hahaha
Healing happens in circles, and I'm coming back around to this one. So in closing here's what I'm realizing-
How many times have I been told that I'm the monster? That my sensitivity ruins things for everyone else? That my shining casts a shadow on the people I love? That when I feel good about myself it makes others feel bad about themselves? So what's really at the bottom of this?
How many of us have had someone say, "Wow that is so great for you!" but we really know they're saying, "Man I can't wait to undermine your every success I'm so piping mad right now!"
And that ain't our problem to worry about. I'm saying this to myself loud and clear right now.
I think I've still been trying to fight back the darkness rather than just continue to shine brighter.
That's a tough realization to come back to time and time again, but it sure just felt like a heavy burden lifted from my chest just saying it. You feel that? I felt it too boo. We just lightened the load.
"Another's impersonation doesn't tarnish your true spirit unless you allow it. Instead, allow yourself to be seen in all your light simply for the sake of celebrating the freedom and joy of life. You'll never need to shout who you are, but ya will need to speak at times if you wanna join the conversation."
All my love and joy-