This one's gonna be a lil more directed at my fellow menstruatin people's if the title didn't clarify, but let it be known to my men out there, I'm talkin to you too. This could give ya a lil inside scoop on what's ACTUALLY going on with a lot of us as opposed to what you've been told (aaand we've been told)...so read on if you wish to peak into the wild wizarding world of the womb!
We spent the last weekend in the Pisgah National Forest at a beautiful sanctuary. We'd thought at first on planning the trip, that we may leave to go to town or have dinner out at least one or two days, but from the moment our phones lost signal and we crossed the bridge we said, "Uhh nope. Not leavin'." Although I know how important it is to disconnect and reacclimate with our natural state by being in nature herself... I forget how simply profound it can be. I stood on the mossy rocks with the water rushing over my feet the first morning and felt my entire body smile and breathe. THIS is what I am. This is my natural state. I could feel the ripples of joy permeating from me as I watched Joe walk across the rocks a little ways up the creek, not stressed about work, not scheduling jobs and dump trucks and calling in permits... he was just...playing. I started snapping pictures and became even more excited to see the bubble of joy I was indeed standing in.
I stood there thinking, "This. This is the feeling I haven't allowed myself to feel in a long time, because I've told myself it's dangerous, it's foolish, it's egotistical and conceited." Even in writing this I think to myself, "Ugh Rebecca... (in my mother's tone of course..ain't that how it goes yall haha) don't be so conceited. It has nothing to do with you. It's just... it's just the sun, or if anything, it's a spirit around you...but it's definitely not you."
But in that moment, as I snapped picture after picture capturing the rings of light surrounding me, my own judgement was muffled by the rushing water and chirps of birds and my husband holding up stones in the distance. I didn't stop to correct myself, I just stood there in peaceful excitement. I stopped fearing my own power.
As women in general, our voices have been hushed for a long time. We've silenced ourselves to give men a chance to be heard, to give men a chance to tap into their emotions, to speak their pains and to see what they're made of... but most of us, as human beings, have not had the best examples. Men or women.
Men have long been cut off at the second chakra, taught generation after generation that being a fulfilled man is about hard work and reward, and so they're also ignorantly taught that their departments are: Work. Money. & Sex. The emotional centers and deep introspective spaces are usually shut down except for special occasions such as holidays or binge drinking. Now this isn't ALL men of course, but it is most unfortunately. This is what has been taught, and so this is what has been learned over... and over...and over... This is why I believe we're seeing a lot of men in fear right now. They're not sure what the hell's going on, they just know we're real mad and they're not sure what they did. Sound familiar? It happens in this house hold a lot. Last night specifically as my period started today.
Now... Did I have an emotional upheavel the last 48 hrs because of the hormones from my period starting? Of course, that would make sense right? But... we're smarter than that aren't we. We're deep feelers, we know what happens physically is simply a manifestation of what's transpiring on multiple levels. So what's with us menstruating females exploding with rage at these times before the show begins? Well I'll tell you- (Cue- "He's going to tell!" from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
When we begin menstruating, we're literally releasing the energy of life and creation back to the earth. We contain in our wombs the ability to create physical life, and our very blood holds the intelligence to birth physical creation into the world... I mean it's pretty fuggin' badass. I mean let's talk about wizardry ok? But periods are JUST periods so we're told... As you heard me aggitatedly discuss in my last blog post, I cannot stand people discussing sex as JUST sex, or bodies as JUST bodies while simultaneously dropping spiritual advice... We are multidimensional beings, and so nothing is JUST anything. That's a straight up cop out. It can be uncomfortable as balls to accept responsiblity sometimes but uhhh...it's time yall.
If we're gonna reaaaaaally take in what's happening during our periods... we gotta acknowledge it aint JUST that time of the month. It ain't. We are physically releasing that which is no longer needed so we can move forward renewed and able to hold space for new creation. Our uterus takes extra extra extra special care to keep a clean house in anticipation of what will be created in that space. We're seeing fibroids, cysts, and endometriosis become a common thing as our wombs work overtime to push out the overload of toxins and traumas not being released. The simple state of dehydration will cause my periods to be much more painful because my body isn't able to flush as efficiently as it should and so it cramps in pain trying to push it all out.
Most of us were brought up with the beliefs that life is pain. Life is a struggle. Letting go is hard. And so even with the common and natural functions of my body... I find that I've subconsciously or unconsciouly self-sabotaged to keep myself in the safety net of, "Nothing comes easy." When pain is familiar, we often seek it out.
But I became so at ease with myself during those few days in nature, stepping outside my usual environment, that my body reset. Our periods will often display JUST how quickly we heal, we feel, we recalibrate, and we begin anew when we allow ourselves to be exactly who we are without safety nets and constraints. I laid under the full moon Sunday asking for assistance in releasing all that's been keeping me back in fear. "I'm tired of playing small," I said, "I know I'm holding back and it's my own fear and judgement. I'm ready to let go of my limitations now." And by the time we were on our way home Monday, I felt my body readjusting and sure enough, my period's here almost two weeks early.
The emotions that rise before these monthly releases arent for nothing. They're not just side effects from hormonal imbalance or chemical shifts. Yes, those factors are a piece of it, but what if we acknowledged that the hormones first became unbalanced from something? Just like unflushed pesticides and heavy metals can begin to manifest into disease, our generational traumas, swallowed emotions, unexpressed wisdom, and belittlement can come screaming out as our bodies prepare to get rid of them once and for all. They move to the surface begging to be released just the same way our lymph pushes impurities to our skins surface when it becomes overloaded.
The days leading up to this release manifest in me in the following ways-
-Deep cleaning the house
-Making to-do lists and gathering groceries as I feel the need to prepare for introspection and solitude
-Finally saying and expressing the things I've pushed aside for later
-Becoming angry at small statements that I see making up a larger picture
-Anger in myself for dumbing myself down for other's comfort
-Sending thank you letters and little trinkets in the mail to people I love
-Television and social media become absolutely intolerable
-A blank stare on my face for 48hrs leading up to my period as I have absolutely no time for anyone's bullshit
-Expressing my injustice and exhaustion ...sometimes eloquently aaaand sometimes not so much
-Letting myself cry
-Writing writing writing
-Beautiful soothing music. This month its been Beck's album Morning Phase
-I just wanna be with my plants and burn incense, but I also wanna talk to all my girls for five hours (which I did today) and be like, "I LOVE YOU SISTERRR! Where would I be with youuuu!"
-Feeling like I'm losing it... but simultaneously thinking, "Oh there I am!"
-Recently, reaching out more and more to The Mother. The big mammajama for comfort and companionship
I've felt unworthy for a long time. Yall've heard me discuss this, it's one of the ongoing lessons in my life. Discernment and deserving. It's a scary question for me to ask myself, "But what WOULD happen if I stood unapollogetically in my power? What if I trusted my integrity, my compassion, my understanding, and my love behind my life's mission? What if I stopped calling myself egotistical and instead just...knew that I know? What if I stopped worrying if somebody's gonna have to stop playing the know it all when I stand up?" What if we ALL did.
See here's the thing. Power has been made out to be a masculine thing. A rigid thing. A forceful, categorized and policed thing. A thing to actually be a bit weary of. We call Mother Earth powerful, yet we try to predict and work around the weather constantly, eager to control it. Cursing her for ruining our picnics or delaying our flights. Praying for warm seasons, then damning the heat. We pollute and use her up and then fear her rage as she tries her best to heal and flourish amidst our diregard. We've become attuned to calculated things, controlled things, and have become afraid and uncomfortable in the nature of...well...nature. True power is fluid free and constantly evolving itself, the same way that energy cannot be created or destroyed. It will be expressed one way or another and we decide what that expression will look like much more than we've been led to believe.
Our periods are extremely powerful in the best way if we allow them to be and get rid of the idea that they're a simply a complication to our lives. It is the release we've been needing. The day the recycling truck finally comes and we can say, "YES! Please! I've been waiting for you to come pick all this up! I've spent all month gathering it and getting what I needed out of these containers and now you can go make them into something that gives back!" It's the rain storm that finally cleanses the earths surface and lulls us to a restful rejuvenating sleep before our next wave of creation.
So you see what happens when we try to control this release? When we try to schedule it perfectly or even worse...stop it all together in our time of much learning? We begin stockpiling all the wisdom to be gained in our years as the Maiden and Mother, sweeping lessons and evolution under rugs rather than evolving into higher aspects of ourselves. Our physical, emotional and spiritual body hears us say, "I'm gonna take all these fruits of wisdom and let em rot in the fridge AND I'm gonna shut up about it and ignore the growing stench." ...and we wonder why there's an absolute explosion of anger happening with women right now. We've been taught not to see this release as cleansing rejuvenating and welcomed, but as a curse, and so we've also seen our own power our own voice as such. The amount of women that currently know they have thyroid imbalances...is astounding. From my medical intake forms alone in the past years...I'd say it's at least 85% if not more. Our throat centers, our very vocal chords, have been on lock down. Men. Take note. The vocal cords look a loooooooot like somethin else (the vagina).
Are you hearin' what I'm sayin here? This is GOLD.
The throat ain't singin? Neither's the vagina my friend. When we're shut up, we're shut down.
Wanna hear us sing durin sex? Listen to us. Step outside fear and feel what it is we're saying to you with our words and our emotions. We love you so dearly that it pains us to hurt you, we'd rather take the pain on ourselves just as you see the earth take on every pollutant and continue to give back despite her own unacknowledgement. As women, we've been taught for so long to honor and love you by being submissive to you, by stepping aside, but we can only walk on eggshells for so long. When we've swallowed what we know for too long, we become angry. Angry with you, angry with ourselves, angry with the lies both men and women have lived under to keep us seperated and misunderstanding and blaming one another for far far too long. It's the perfect triangulation to keep the masculine and feminine from uniting in power, both as genders, and as the dual aspects in each of us individually.
Fellas, I know a lot of what we may say when we're "hormonal" sounds over the top and outta control..and I understand, I really do. I often say to my husband as I'm sobbing and delivering a muddled monologue of emotions, "Hear me when I say- I know I'm overly upset about it right now cause I'm especially emotional...but, that does NOT mean that this isn't how I feel! It just means I'm upset enough right now to finally say it EVEN if it hurts your feelings." Healing can be fuckin messy sometimes. What can I say. It aint always a spring shower, sometimes it's a mudslide.
Ladies- when you feel yourself becoming a lil nutty feeling around your period, please don't shame yourself. I want you to think about it like this-
Imagine on the last day of your previous period, you're taking a big deep breath, your lungs are empty now of old oxygen and carbon dioxide and so now you can fill em reeeeal deep expanding your stomach and diving down to the oceans floor to look for seashells, pearls and starfish. (I'm havin' fun with this analogy if ya can't tell) You're kickin along, feelin' real Little Mermaid like, completely in your Goddess essence and discovering all kinds of treasures. After some time, you push from the sandy floor and kick toward the surface. Now, depending on how much you've gathered, whether it's trash from the sea floor or pearls of wisdom, you mave be struggling a little or a lot. You may start getting cramps in your legs, and the veins in your face and neck start pulsing as you kick and kick still holding your breath. The putrifying air in your lungs may begin burning with every kick and you become hot with rage. So, you can imagine... the closer you get to the surface... the more anxiety, tension, discomfort and impatience could naturally arise. That first breath is gonna be pretty dire and intense right? Finally, whew! At some times...especially if we're weighed down with an extra heavy lute, we've had to kick really hard to break the surface, we've held our breath for a long time. We as women, are pearl divers. And the deeper the breathes we can take... the further depths we can reach, the greater wisdoms we can discover.
As women, we spend the majority of our lives in water, in our emotions. It is where we can truly thrive. When we dive into further learning and discovery and find pearls and shells and beautiful things...we may sob happy tears. We may burst with excitement as we reach the surface and share our discoveries. We get to blossom and evolve into an even more beautiful version of oursevles and spread this nutrient rich love throughout our lives and loved ones. But, if we dive down to find trash and are constantly exhausting ourselves trying to rid our home of us as much as we can every month, understandably we reach the surface infuriated and screaming for air.
As babies, we grow in the oceans of the womb. Our bodies wanna keep that sea floor as cleeeeean and pristine and rich with minerals and jewels and knowledge and love as possible so that baby can be born with wonderful gifts. Naturally though, we all carry our wounds. We all carry our trash. We are born from the eggs of our grandmothers, and so we are born carrying the pollutants of generations before.
Just as we are now taking action to cleanse the earth before she cleanses us haha We as women are finally cleansing our own depths. We know that we can no longer support ourselves and life in this state of submission, and it is time to heal. Just as the planet is not made to run by clocks and machines, neither are we. There is discomfort in any change, but when we acknowledge and become unafraid of our natural state of constant learning and growth...that is when we find our power. That is when we find our peace and begin to express ourselves truly and therefore can communicate and hear one another with clarity and love and understanding.
As Empaths, we've been born with this gift of emotional expression, of feeling deeply and diving 20,000 leagues without a tank. Our only task is not to fear it and realize it is our strength, not our victimhood. To see what lives in the darkest deepest depths of the ocean and discover the richest treasures imaginable alongside the worst things hidden from sight so they can be brought to light and evolved. We are the examples of the key that emotional intelligence is what unlocks our spiritual intelligence. Our spirit body radiates with the colors of our uncaged emotions. That is where our power lies, and the use of our power depends on how we translate it. Is it a crippling discomfort? Or is it the very power we dreamt we'd discover as children, before we were told that our dreams and imaginations were selfish and delusional.
Later on, standing in a different location on the grounds of the sanctuary, I snapped a photo of these precious huts. Again, I could see the rings surrounding me and I thought, "Alright... so it's not JUST that spot I was standing in at the creek and the angle of the sun..." I'm very inquisitive, I like asking questions. That line in Simon Birch when the kid says, "I have faith, I just want proof to back it up." That's me. I'm always thinking, "Ok but why?" I have no fear of digging, but I wanna examine everything I find, and I think we're kinda meant to.
To examine, to make sense of things, we musn't (must'nt? gettin' real proper over here) be afraid to bring them into the light; to speak them. To express them. To share them with the people around us, because that is how we learn and expand; we share. When we learn to honor what it is that begs to be expressed through the tides of our menstural cycles, we begin to appreciate the shells that wash ashore and even the pollution that rises to the surface so we can easily remove it and cleanse our environment. Everytime you think about the moon pulling the oceans higher, think about what our moon does for us. Exactly that. It raises our intuition, our physical senses (my sense of smell becomes like a damn wolf before my period), our emotions, all of it comes rushing to the surface.
It's pretty incredible really. And as I sit here, still a little in shock that I have absolutely NO pain on the first day of my period... I'm also realizing I decided Sunday to stop fighting the release and expression of my own wisdom and power. I made a decision to stop telling myself what must be done first and what must be done in one day with no exceptions.
The Mother came to me in a dream 3 years ago as I grieved my birth mother in this life, and she hugged me close to her saying, "I am your mother. I've always been and I will always be, and I am here. You are not without a mother." I cried and I could still smell the sweet scent of her perfume when I woke up from the dream. I reached for a leather and turquoise stone anklet that my birth mom had gotten at a Powow years before and it smelled just like the woman's perfume in my dream! I even held it under a friends nose weeks later after I'd worn it in the shower multiple times, "DO YOU SMELL THAT?!" I said. She laughed, "Yeah! Ok that's fuckin' wild..." It had never smelled like that before, it had always smelled of...well...leather and...my feet haha
I realized The Mother is truly in everything, in everyone, expressing herself even through my own mother who I'd felt had never given me what I needed, becayse in reality, she has. She taught me lessons and ways to expand in love unlike anyone else ever could. That anklet carrying the scent could've been just a silly coincidence, but aside from my own doubt and fear, I let it tell me what I knew I needed to hear. That the feminine has been misunderstood, misportayed, and mistreated, and she has sometimes lashed out frustrated and in pain, but her ability to love and heal has never left. I have seen the best of it and the worst of it. I have been the best of it and the worst of it. And I'm ready to release the need to relive the pain and anger and belittlement and begin to bring about more of the example of healing deeper and deeper without fear. Without shame. Without self judgement. Willing to be seen, not for approval, but to experience living life beyond the buoys as we are truly meant to, encompassing all of ourselves unafraid.
PS- This is where I usually put the Divine Message that correlates with the subject...but ...in the spirit of living life beyond the buoys, I've known for a while now that it's time to stand behind myself as the multidimensional being I am (we all are) and acknowledge and stand in my own power and connection to my spirit family and lineage unafraid of being called egotistical or sacrilegous or just...nuts. Just like I shy away from thinking those circles of light have anything to do with me, it's been easier to share insight and wisdom and say, "But thats not me, that's from someone higher up." It's easy for us to call one another divine beings...but really seeing and hearing one another as divine beings is another thing. But honey we gonna start toDAY haha. With every message from my spirit family, I feel them reminding me how much joy it brings them to see us step into ourselves, to embody the very same power in ourselves and bring it onto the earth. And aint that what we're here to do for one another? To inspire one another to see what we're actually capable of? My heart says it's time to take the trainin' wheels off, so I'm gonna step out a lil further 'n test the diving board yall.
All my love and thanks to you!!