So ya know how I'll talk about pauses in our healing? We'll reach a point where we're like, "Oh man...this is nice! I'm at peace, I feel clear I feel safe..." and our lil subconscious walks up, "Hey um, since you have a minute, could you check my homework?" "Sure! Why not," we say. And soon commences a whole other layer of healing.
Sometime toward the end of June that happened for me. There was a book I'd been thinking about reading for over two years, but I just kinda knew I wasn't ready. Then having a regular tea date with a friend and discussing things I was beginning to uncover, she brought up this book title and I thought, "Oh shit...there it is again... It's time," I thought.
Y'all. When I say I devoured this book with my jaw in my lap and tears running down my cheeks I mean...the whole damn book. (Leaving the Saints by Martha Beck. Go get it. Right now. Download it on Kindle and devour it in one day like I did.) This woman literally validated visions I've had since I was a child but had thought to myself, "Why would I think that!? That's horrible! I'm sick!" Every quiet doubt still lingering in myself, wondering if maybe I am just crazy after all. Maybe I have just made life hard on myself by making up awful scenarios. Each one of them got addressed in the book page after page and I thought, "My God...I've needed to hear this for so long." This yall...THIS is why I always remember having the answers isn't all that important, but sharing our experiences will save one another when we don't even know it.
(To the tune of Sisqo's Thong Song) - Lemme sing it agaaaaaaain! -
We don't stop thinking we're crazy overnight.
When the truth is stranger than fiction which...it usually fuggin' is y'all...it can be a hard pill to swallow. Which honestly, kinda helps me feel compassion and understanding for people who just don't wanna know cause I mean...I get it. It's buck wild 'n it ain't easy so, I get it.
So to cut to the point (which I'm never real good at) I've felt a lil off my axis lately with floods of dots connecting in my mind and a new raw layers of rebuilding. The closer it got to this recent eclipse, the louder the white noise got and I felt disconnected and blocked. I felt all these awful feelings about myself come flooding in. I sat and wrote a four page letter to my father basically saying, "I love you forever. I forgive you, I understand, but no no." I let go and let go and let go and let go and STILL I felt... fuzzy. I'm not one to feel fuzzy for long either yall I'm usually (as I type way more than I was planning) a pretty clear channel.
I came down the stairs yesterday morning thinking, "I've got to make sure I do my blog post for the month before I get started on anything else...but I don't even have anything to talk about! I'm completely cut off. Oh man...I know what it is...my egotistical ass wrote that last post sayin' I'm stepping into my power and I don't need to pass credit off all the time. That yes I have help but it's time I stop being afraid to see myself as all of me...as all that we ALL are... Oh my God its my fault... Could I be more full of myself!? Those pictures of beautiful orbs and rainbows at the sanctuary...and I was egotistical and big headed enough to think they had something to do with me finally shining! Oh my gosh... no wonder my spirit family's checked out! Who do I think I am!? Blasphemous! What have I done!? I'm horrible..."
(Yall can probably see this way better than I could from the outside lookin' in...but that Mormon raised shame and oppression came ROARING back in with a vengeance.)
I sat on our back patio, opened my journal and let myself get quiet for not even 30 seconds, waiting to hear a voice say, "That's what you get you lil bish!"... and there they were, my patient as hell spirit family. (They basically wrote the post for me...)
"Your words are not lost! Not at all! You are in a time of silence and stillness, of coming home to yourself, and oh what LUCK! That is where you know you always find us! In that silence and stillness. So here we've been, waiting for you all along. Imagine the extensive emotional and mental travels you've been through in such a short period of time as if going on a long trip. You've come back home now, set your luggage down, and for a time you just need to sit still on the couch with your eyes closed, feeling good to be home and breathing in and out. The calls can wait. The emails can wait. The laundry can wait. Just feel how good it feels to be home. You're just experiencing a little soul jet lag you might say. ;) Certain points in life will post mile markers of pain. You know very well people may call themselves 54 years of age in linear time, but judging by their mile markers mmmm they might be standing at 12 years mentally right? haha! :) When healing these points of time where you once felt frozen, you release yourself to move forward another space in your vision, in your understanding, in your compassion, in your ability to love. Judging from the posts you've dug up you could imagine you've jumped ahead 12 spaces in Candy Land! Your spirit knows you are exactly where you should be, but your old vision doesn't recognize your new territory. When the seer who looks out has changed dramatically, the eyes need time to adjust, the mind needs time to trust. Remember how long it would take to lose the feeling of being at sea even after setting foot on the dock? Be gentle with yourself. Such shifts are likened to waking up after receiving anesthesia. You were ready for major beneficial surgery and we say, "Hooray!!" You'll experience some grogginess, you'll need some down time, but you'll be up and jumping hurdles again before you know it! Live at the pace of nature. Allot yourself times to shine, and times to rest. Times to grow with exuberance, and times to lose old leaves. Just as a watched pot never boils, trust that your ease and peace moves you much faster than force. Your physical eye cannot see your houseplants growing, but how many times have you turned around to see they've exploded in blooms? Do not stare down your dreams; water them and let them be. It is better for your dreams that you pay attention to yourself, honor yourself and nurture yourself. We love you so much! You are never alone. Never have been never will be. We are with you now in fact more than ever. In the stillness, in the silence. When you feel you're stuck or getting nothing, it is often then that we are trying to speak with you. Remember when we told you not to fret over lost glasses before checking the top of your head? Haha! Always. Happy healing!!"
After receiving this message I felt such clarity and this full body exhale of, "Oh man...so I'm not a horrible person who deserves to be punished and cast into outer darkness for thinking I'm...divine? Just most the time in flannel and slightly anxious?"
I put on my shoes and headed to the park. Passing all the happy morning walkers listening to their audiobooks just as I was nodding and smiling. I made it into the woods and started snapping pictures. I'd caught the circles of rainbows a couple days before but kinda told myself to stop thinking it was anything special. "Yes," I thought, "I know there's so much happening that we just can't physically see all the time...I know we have energetic bodies 'n shit but like...I don't know...I mean I know but like...I dunno. I know I need to really see myself as multidimensional to stop thinking I'm crazy but...I dunno..." So yesterday I heard, "Try it again. See if it's just a fluke. ;)"
I was walking a few feet then stoppin to see if I could do it again, as if I could catch em in a lie haha But nope...it was everywhere I stopped. Fainter if the suns light wasn't as bright, but still there just the same. "I ain't a scientist but obviously that lights hitting' somethin," I kept thinkin.
I'm always asking for proof, but then when I get it I'm like, "Mmmm but naaaaw I'm sure I'm just nutty." I don't even think of most of my paranormal experiences as...paranormal haha I always think about em like, "Mmmhm...that was interesting. We'll see if it ever happens again...THEN maybe I'll know for sure" (insert eye roll)
It's hard trustin our sensitivities to the unseen sometimes yall. It's hard not to question ourselves and think, "But like...who do I think I am to know or see clearly when everyone around me isn't agreeing or seeing what I see?" We won't hear the truth until we're ready, and we won't actually see it until we're ready either yall, even if it's right in front of our face...as it usually is ain't it?
We're taught to just stay safe. That reality is the truth someone else has handed to us. It's the facts someone else wrote. And if we wanna know more about the truth we can ask them. We're so trained to think that if we think for ourselves, ask questions and wonder if maybe someone got it wrong or maybe fudged things a lil ...well then we're just crazy conspiracy theorists. We're told to seek knowledge...buuut just as long as we stay in these parameters.
I was brought up being told to have faith, but not really quite grasping yet that what was behind that message of "have faith" was actually, "Do as we say and believe what we're telling you even if you know it's wrong." Ok well see that ain't faith...that's gaslighting.
I wrote to my Dad, "Faith really is a good thing, the most important of things, but I know we first have to have it in ourselves above anything else."
We can be so connected. We can hear and see so clearly. But if we don't trust ourselves. If we don't see ourselves as deserving of knowledge truth and abundance without being punished or scorned for standing up tall in our own discovered truth...we may inaccurately believe we are blocked. We may carry out punishment on ourselves cause we've been trained so well to carry shame blame and guilt. To put it real simple, very often the kid in us just still wants be told we're good, so we look for someone to follow that everyone else seems to think is good too rather than risk seeking answers in ourselves and being cast out of the tribe. Ya know what I mean? Makes sense.
I hope you got some big pieces you needed from this latest eclipse/fullmoon/retrograde...whatever all was goin' on at the same damn time haha I know I did sweet baby Jesus... Whew. So, read the books. Ask the questions. Listen to people's stories. Then go 'n ask yourself all the questions and reread your own stories and see what things are lookin' like from there. Don't short change yourself by only having faith in someone else's words and teachings, build it in yourself first and foremost. From my skeptical stubborn ass to you- It ain't always easy, but it's worth it. It's ALWAYS worth it. If we trust ourselves just enough to let light shine through our doubt, we may just start to see aspects of ourselves we thought weren't possible.
All my love!!